for myself

Why do I sit here every other week and bleed my heart out into the aether for anyone who is listening?

I did it for myself.  The primary enemy of my transition is my own transphobia and shame.  I didn’t know this two years ago, but on instinct I endeavored to be as open as possible about all of this.  Little did I know that I was preparing myself for random people’s questions about my junk; testing my boundaries of what I am and am not comfortable sharing with others, and learning to accept myself – learning that what I’m doing is amazing and noble and worth telling the world about.

 

Because I was born a man and am somehow, mysteriously but surely, a woman.  And I have to deal with it.  I have to deal with battle royale-style arguments with religious types who want to debate my gender.  And I have to deal with colleagues of over half a decade who won’t give me the time of day.

But I did it for myself.  I had to choose between making a go of being a woman or to die trying to be a man.  I chose myself, I chose life, and I am awesome.  I’m not ashamed of that.

 

Advertisements

conflicted monologue

You know you’ve been gone for a long time when your stationary smells like toothpaste.  But I’m back home now, surrounded by familiar stuff that I’d forgotten about.

This first week has been weird, in a good way.  I feel like my gender-dysphoric issues, things that I awkwardly speak about, are a weight that has been set down.  I feel like myself, I like myself, life is fun.  I can breathe.

 

It started when I considered auditioning for The Vagina Monologues, which my department is putting on for V-day.  It’s that time of year.  The idea of auditioning was in the back of my mind and I mentioned it to Leia, who basically dared me to do it.  So I read the book.  Surprisingly, I never read The Vagina Monologues.  I vaguely remember picking it up and finding it painful to read.  But reading it now, I really enjoyed it.  There’s even a trans women’s monologue that Eve Ensler added in 2004 (she published the original version in 1998).  It’s the only passage I could really relate to or envision performing in front of people, so I prepared to audition for that part.

I was really nervous.  So I was greatly relieved and disappointed when I found out that the script, the official 2014 V-day version of The Vagina Monologues, does not include the trans women’s monologue They Beat the Girl out of My Boy… or so They Tried.

Why?  I have no idea.  I know it’s been performed for V-day before.  The passage does seem like an anachronism in a classic work of nonfiction – to tack the contemporary experiences of trans women onto a work that ushered in acceptability of the word vagina.

‘You mean grown-ups couldn’t say vagina either??’

 

Yet, I couldn’t help feeling left out.  Could this just be another instance of transphobia?

Then a couple of days passed and I got over it.