I’m exhausted. I’m bolt-awake. I’m watching the world go by – fast. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m wearing a disguise, that I’m not ready for this.
It would be impossible to become ready for this – to transition into femininity and start over with everyone. I’m introducing myself to people I’ve known. It’s just a thing.
“Hi Mom, hi Dad. What’s new?”
I need to stop asking that question.
I can’t wrap my head around it, but I’m really, really afraid. I’m petrified, and I’ve never known anything so unavoidably true.
I feel alone.
People support me but they don’t get what I’m going through. The subject of a ‘transgender transition’ is foreign to everyone. And speaking to transgender people about it is like screaming bloody murder into a swarm of bats.
I don’t know how else to describe that.
Meanwhile, life flashes by. Doctors come and go, friends, allies; almost like it doesn’t matter.
Because I feel better and I trust myself. I trust there’s a way out of this ridiculous situation.
I write in this blog and read from it. Occasionally other people read it too. It’s where I seem to be sometimes. Not a lot of information.
Why do I do it? I wanted to express myself as a woman, to exist and write something non-technical. It’s a notebook, and I’m trying to understand.
What would I say today? That you’ll never understand trans people? Because I really want to say that. Because I think it’s true.
But I want you to understand, because I don’t want to be alone;
It’s like any other kind of life, only without clearly defined relationships.
It’s like meeting other trans people and misgendering yourself “because you don’t want to be an asshole.”
It’s knowing that anything is possible.
But all I can really say is this: If someone tells you they’re a gender – a different gender – believe them. Believe them with all of your heart and know it is true. Then you’ll understand.
I came home early from work today in tears, the kind of tears that don’t quite escape your eyelid and dry and make them all sticky… And it hit me. This is why so many trans people commit suicide. It fucking hurts. It hurts like hell, and no amount of love and understanding, no amount of self-awareness is going to get my body back. Not that I ever had a female body, but no one ever said this shit made sense either.
I will never commit suicide. I have shrinks and drugs and I wouldn’t put my people through that. But I understand why people do it now, I mean I understood before, but I never just sat and faced the pain of this before. I don’t want to describe it.
I have to go back. I put on a pot of coffee and ate some cheerios. I made this playlist. It’s going to be ok.
The Bird and the Bee – The Races (Please Clap Your Hands)
The Flaming Lips – Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Pt. 1 (Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots)
The Beta Band – Human Being (Hot Shots, Vol. 2)
The Bird and the Bee – Ray Gun (Ray Guns are not Just the Future)
Metric – Raw Sugar (Grow Up and Blow Away)
No Doubt – Just a Girl (Tragic Kingdom)
Coldplay – Viva La Vida (Viva La Vida)
The White Stripes – Girl, You Have No Faith in Medicine (Elephant)
I am a girl. I think like a girl. I act like a girl. Sometimes I even look like a girl.
Am. Am not. Why is this so important? Because you need to relate to people. We are always interacting and gender is the primary category. There are fundamental differences of behavior between men and men; and men and women; and women and women. If you are not in a category, then social interaction is irregular. You will be assigned a category anyway because… well, just because. That’s the way we work. That’s the way things are.
I want to be seen as a girl. I need to be. I really, really need to be seen as a woman. Men make me anxious and I try to avoid them. I try to avoid myself. I look in the mirror and try to look past myself. I try to make the best of a hopeless situation. I try everything. Everything. And nothing works. My GF doesn’t want to know who I am. My parents don’t know. My counselors seem to think that I’m not who I am yet, which makes no sense at all. The more I mess with this Rubik’s cube from hell, the more I’m convinced that I am royally fucked.
And I’ve always been royally fucked, except I thought I was making headway until now. Now I just don’t know what to do. I’ve always known what to do, but not today. Not tomorrow. Probably not ever. So I wait. I wait around my kitchen, my study. I lie awake in bed. I muse to myself and wait. I have no idea what I’m waiting for. This makes me smile an ironic pointless smile. This isn’t like waiting for a bus or a train. Nothing is coming.
This isn’t logical, it just is. I wait because there is absolutely nothing else I can do. I’ve spoken to everyone I could find until I’m blue in the face and no one even gets it, let alone has a solution for me. I’m afraid to talk to other trans people because I don’t want to be convinced to get surgery or other medical procedures because it is tempting and, I feel, utterly inadvisable. Maybe this is what I’m waiting for. Maybe this is what I’m doing wrong.
So I’m waiting. I’m waiting right now. I don’t know what the fuck I’m waiting for and there’s no way to stop because I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WOULD NEED TO STOP DOING!!! OMG, this is… not that bad really. I’m just used to knowing things at this point in my life and suddenly, without warning, I don’t.