I’m spending time alone, hoping that meaning is one of those things you find when you’re not looking.
I’m catching up with work. I’m thinking about reading books. I’ve reached level 21 in my seventh-ish attempt at dead-is-dead Skyrim.
Exciting stuff. Really.
In this quiet, when I’m not paying attention, I can almost hear myself railing, “you are more than the sum of your parts”
My body feels like clothing, like a heavy, gaudy outfit that I’m sick of looking at. And I don’t want to know what’s underneath.
I almost forgot about all of this. I’m absorbed in my work and playing dead-is-dead Skyrim until my trigger fingers hurt and I can’t really hold the controller properly. I’m happy this way.
A reflection in the mirror catches my eye, “oh, it’s you.” At least my hair looks nice.
I imagine that cis women get a lot more out of the time that they put into their appearance. They blow out their hair, put on their makeup, and look ten times better. I wish I looked ten times better.
This, like most things in my life, is new. I used to think that I was a good looking guy, that I could date anyone I wanted if I just stepped up my game. It turns out that I just needed to act like a guy.
I touched my first kiss too lightly. I was a sophomore and she was a senior and she assumed I wasn’t ready. It turns out that she was nicer than she looked.
And girls assume that you’re coming on too strong if they think you’re a man and you think you’re a man but you’re actually female and deluded. This is starkly clear to me now.
Me: “I like you and think you’re great!”
All of this is a memory. I spend a lot of time now just learning new words for new things, like eisoptrophobia (fear of one’s reflection). But I’m not sure if it applies because I’m not afraid of my reflection, it just startles me if I’m not paying attention. I thought of taking down the mirrors in my apartment, but it makes the place look so much smaller.