A deliveryperson rang the bell at 7 am. I was expecting them, but I rolled out of bed.
I signed the form and she was gone. As I stepped outside, I couldn’t remember a more beautiful day.
I tiptoed down the step, down the walk, peered down the block and realized I’d worn two layers of clothing all year. All spring, all summer. But now I could feel the air on my skin. I remembered how cool it could be in the morning, that it’s damp and smells like lawn.
I lost myself in this and rubbed my eye – a vague burning sensation from my undereye gel.
I had coffee on the step that morning.
There’s all of the stuff I’ve read about – I tear up when I miss the bus now.
‘Stop doing that.’
But something is very different about me. It’s as if a glacier in my mind has finally found its resting place. Things that would upset me, and seriously dog me for years – stupid stuff – I don’t really think about anymore. And I’m not sure what I should be doing with my time.
I have a routine; work 45 hours a week, consume 2300 calories a day, sleep 9 hours a night. Repeat. It keeps everything moving, the result of obsessive worrying and planning, trial and error. I kind of go along with it, but I’ve lost track of everything else. I don’t know what’s changing and how or when anymore. It’s a lot, and I care. But I don’t really know.
I think it’s out of my hands now.
Walking home at dawn after the graveyard shift at some university – with my headphones blasting, carrying my laptop like a schoolbook – is probably not the smartest, safest, or most feminine thing to be doing. But I’m not there *yet*
Whatever. I’m exhausted. I did not think it was possible to be this exhausted. But it doesn’t matter, I’m excited. Stuff is getting done and I’m at peace with myself.
Strangely, I’m not depressed. I haven’t been depressed in a month. That shatters every record, ever.
I feel like I’m going somewhere; being myself. Even though it’s only apparent to myself, that’s good enough for me.
Then my friend from college called me back, the one I told I was transgender and regretted. He called me! Everything is completely cool. And I am so happy about that.