I don’t know where to begin.
My closest confidants separately and independently declared that no one is going to question my womanhood and that I need to snap out of this nervous funk I seem to be experiencing. Dana they say, the war is over, wake up… I do my best to absorb this.
As I meditate on the idea that I am in fact a woman, legally, socially, professionally, physically, and so on, I am engulfed by indescribable confusion. While I am comfortable with myself in ways I had never known, I am in shock.
I have a good idea of how to conduct myself, what I’m doing and where my life is headed, but that’s all.
I know who I am. I know what happened to me, but I don’t know why it did in a very basic sense.
I go out and I’m generally happy. I look in the mirror and I am relieved, then disbelieving.
My body takes up less space. I seem to breathe less air. My eyes are expressive and it haunts me. I appear to feel more than I can actually acknowledge, more than I will let myself feel. It’s unapproachable.
But I’m told this is real, that being a woman comes with an inner life that’s different and which I might find difficult to accept.
I’m only beginning to sense what I’ve gotten myself into, but it’s not like I had a choice. I feel like my transition was inevitable, that it would have happened somehow. This is how it feels on the other side of the gender binary; there was no why, my gender was inevitable.