continuity

Dear Sis,

Christmas is over and I’m settling into my usual schedule and reconnecting with people.  Thank you for the beautiful gift, I will keep it with me always.  I dropped off my Mom at the airport this afternoon, she had a good visit and generally toured the new life I’d told her about.  We ended up watching Molly’s Game in the theater on Christmas day, which I found refreshing.

Everyone says that my life will change for the better very soon, and I can only hope that you will agree.  It’s difficult to know these things and have no sense of continuity, at least it can be.

It’s freezing outside and my mind feels blank.  It’s difficult to find my bearings after this disorienting holiday.  Though I’m happy now that I don’t have a tree to dispose of, and there is a large amount of food in the fridge, which is nothing to complain about.

I hope this finds you well.  Happiest holidays.

Love,

Dana

 

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choosing to forget

Yesterday I wrote a lot.  I erased it.  I wrote again, erased again.  Erased, erased.  I deleted the whole file eventually…  made some checklists.  Walked to the store for some groceries; I think pop tarts look good on me.

I walked and chose to forget, almost everything, except some things I enjoy.  Convinced myself that seriousness is for losers.  I wish I could depend on this feeling.

Because I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes.  I hate that.

So I showered and cleaned myself and chose to forget, again.  Apparently it’s an iterative thing.

 

I wish I could have slept, but it seems worthwhile in my crisp shirt and comfy thrift store skirt.

 

Also, the hardware on my face draws my attention away from my facial hair, because I’m the only one who cares about my facial hair.

I told the piercer I’ve had worse.

 

but why

Summer is nice because the neighbors are gone and I can pogo dance in my apartment.  I can’t remember the last time I was this light, or my neck this flexible.

And food has *never* tasted this good – it’s a struggle to eat nutella poundcake silently in a tomb-quiet library.

 

This is hands-down the best decision I’ve ever made.  I can say that right now.

 

But why?  Why did I do all of this?  Because I wanted a solution.  I looked at this from every angle, and I couldn’t just watch my life pour away, fall away, out of my head like strands of hair.

I figured I had a shot at transitioning and I took it.  Once I believed I could pass, it was just a matter of time.  The new bioidentical hormones looked safer, trans-psychology less biased, fashion less whack.  I’m still taking a risk on my science career, but I’ll just have to deal with that as it comes – or not.  I just believe that I’m going to be a better person, happier (more productive), and I wasn’t going to sell myself out on this.