insomnia express

I can’t remember the last time I had trouble sleeping.  I also can’t remember having writer’s block quite like this; my thoughts are clear but I’m afraid to write them down.

I’m afraid of being discriminated against.

I’m afraid of being alone.

I’m afraid of this.

This, my life condensed to today, tonight.  Right now.  I can’t think about the future, because that just doesn’t make sense.

 

I accept myself, my face is a woman’s face because I am a woman.  My life is a woman’s life.  It is what I think it is, but I underestimated the damage caused by arguing the point, by being told otherwise.  Because anyone can argue this, and for a time I forgot there’s no basis to my identity.

I didn’t realize the nature of discrimination, that it would take forms that cannot be spoken of.  That not being taken seriously would become what I fear the most.

Worst of all, I didn’t think I would believe that I deserve this.  In my contortions to make sense of the situation, it’s the only explanation.

 

Outside, there’s a steady drumbeat of LGBT victories.  I’m told the military is reversing its ban on trans people.  Inside, I’m coming to terms with exile from my own life.  A snowglobe of memories filled with love and artificial snowflakes.  A farcical separation, and so very real.  It doesn’t matter how often I try to return, it’s not mine.

 

wish

Before I became aware of the first thing about myself, I swam.  I swam a couple of miles a week, one mile at a time.  I swam like the devil was chasing me.

He was.  I didn’t know it at the time.  It was 2012, it was winter, and I imagined myself to be a woman.  I put this out of my mind and kept swimming.

Spending so long in water, your muscles adapt, and movement through and across the water becomes easier; then very easy.  The heat you would normally accumulate burning 700 calories per hour goes unnoticed.

Your body develops its own intelligence, its own purpose.  Presumably, not to drown.  But it goes deeper than that…

 

I don’t swim anymore.  I wish I did.

I can’t stand it, because soon I won’t be able to for a long time.