a quick note

Getting over yesterday, back in the old town.  Spires upon spires in an abandoned cityscape.  Like a bad dream, driven home in a hybrid Honda Fit.

Insurance claims and cyberstalkers, rocking out in the real world.  Nothing like a university at all.

I tell my mom that I give zero fucks, because I’m a millennial and that’s what we do.  Please don’t send me a passive aggressive gift this Easter, send me something I’d like to have, like Cryptonomicon.

A breakthrough with us.  Maybe there is hope in life.


A beautiful woman, finally.  Like an out of body experience.  The most beautiful person some stranger has ever seen.  What am I supposed to think?

When a man I don’t know tells me they love me?  Call BS loudly, and often.

I submit my dissertation soon, I’ll get a job I swear.  Learning to be happy, speaking to a kindred spirit.  About how there’s no plan.



going outside

A deliveryperson rang the bell at 7 am.  I was expecting them, but I rolled out of bed.

I signed the form and she was gone.  As I stepped outside, I couldn’t remember a more beautiful day.


I tiptoed down the step, down the walk, peered down the block and realized I’d worn two layers of clothing all year.  All spring, all summer.  But now I could feel the air on my skin.  I remembered how cool it could be in the morning, that it’s damp and smells like lawn.

I lost myself in this and rubbed my eye – a vague burning sensation from my undereye gel.


I had coffee on the step that morning.


red dress

Leia asked me to try on her ballroom dress the other day.  I’m sure it’s expensive, it feels expensive, and I kind of dive into it.

“Don’t stretch it!”

After figuring out how to maneuver the lining and where to put my arms, I heard myself ask her to zip up the side.  And we kind of stood there in front of the mirror.  Actually, we definitely stood there.

Me:  “Interesting.”

Leia:  “That’s amazing…”

I realized then, in that moment, in a red dress, that I could totally pass.




Days ensued, joy and panic interspersed between hours and minutes.  Fear and longing and the stark, stark realization of how much this is going to hurt.

Then I seem to have wrestled this rushing sense of inevitability to the ground.  I can’t do this.

But the dress fit perfectly.  It was beautiful, I was beautiful, and now?  Now I’m completely lost in this undefined social space.  I know I’m a woman, but what does that mean?  I ask myself, “Can I pull this off?”  And I do, I have to, it just is.