I’ve taken to blending out. It’s like blending in, but in addition to looking normal you try your damnedest to go unnoticed. It’s like passing, it’s related to passing. I hate that term ‘passing’ like ‘pass for a woman.’ I don’t even care anymore, just as long as no one sees me, which is ironic.
It’s anticlimactic, ‘passing.’ It’s getting back to square zero, where everyone starts, “Oh look it’s a baby boy.” The birthright, your gender. I get a gender.
I wonder how I could have explained this to myself a year ago, if I could go back in time; that I go by a female name with a mostly female body, that I don’t live in the same place or have the same job. That, all told, it cost about $20,000 (not including doctors’ visits and most prescription costs). That our only real ambition now is to get through the day without feeling like crawling under a rock, to go unnoticed. To live quietly, our painless lives.
Relatively painless. I don’t know what I would have done or said if I had heard this a year ago. I think I would have felt joy. I think I could have lost consciousness. I think I might have hugged me, I don’t know. Why do I think about these things?