The instant woman, like instant coffee; necessary, familiar, wanting.
Every day I do the best that I can to fulfill the needs and expectations of those I’ve included in my circle. The people I’m codependent upon. I balance a spectrum of needs and desires, trading values for time, dreams for security, meaning for lust, energy for capital. Back and forth it goes. If I ever stopped, I’d be soulrupt or something, but this is my reality. Whatever I traded for my body, for my life – whatever it was I did, it cost.
It’s all I can do not to think or feel too much.
Meanwhile, I’ve fallen in love with someone I don’t even know. I guess that happens. This is maybe the eighth time for me. It gets jaded, I’m like, ‘yeah, there’s this person and she’s perfect, and I’m like nothing, and it feels like my life is over.’
My roommate tells me to stop being so angsty and adolescent. I gave her the double finger.