thirty-something

It’s something I harp on, but it’s difficult to be completely alone in this world.  Indeed, I’m not completely alone, I have two core relationships left to speak of, but it feels like I am; and that I need to learn to deal with it, because how can two people possibly provide for all of my needs?  I am truly afraid to ask, because what if I lose them too?

Is it even possible to go it alone?  Everyone says it isn’t but I hope they’re wrong.

 

As far as the transition goes, it’s just wildly successful.  I hardly have to think of myself as anything other than female anymore.  I don’t know what I was expecting, but apparently I wasn’t expecting my transition to work.  Now I’m a thirty-something year old woman who is just horribly afraid of dying or getting old, because I just got here.  It’s kind of irrational, but in the absence of a past or any substantial present, it’s the clearest set of emotions that I experience.

 

On an average day, it takes five hours to get myself passable and out the door, where I embrace the vast nothing-ness that is life.  Every day I try to find a way forward, parting a fog of negative emotions.  Many, many things I don’t care to think about, which it is not necessary to think about, surprisingly.  It’s good enough to attend to my work, or the bill collectors, take out the trash, write my papers, shop for hair spray.  And I don’t know what’s going to happen.  I’m learning not to care, telling myself that I’ve got mine and it doesn’t matter, won’t matter, can’t matter.  That caring is the worst thing I’ve ever done, a mistake.  That if I don’t care the world can’t hurt me, anymore.

 

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starting again

I find myself with not very much to say.  There’s no context.  Everything is new and blank, and I’m forced to move on, to start again.  Any attempt to salvage my old life is met with disgrace.  There are some things, like my education and a handful of core relationships (absurdly repurposed core relationships) that I’m taking with me.  But attempts to, say, utilize my network of professional contacts, are yet to succeed.

 

My new body is comfortable; it is also unfamiliar and somewhat disgusting.  I’m sick of standing up straight.

I want to hate myself, but I can’t find any clear reason to, other than being so consistently out of my depth, not knowing my sexual orientation with any precision, being afraid of random shit, and crying too much.  But I can’t bring myself to hate myself for these things.

 

I feel lost and also without a need for direction.

I would ask myself why.

 

firesuite

yeah yeah yeahs – rich – fever to tell

morcheeba – everybody loves a loser – the antidote

ben folds five – selfless cold and composed – whatever and ever amen

doves – firesuite – lost souls

the submarines – 1940 (amplive remix) – honeysuckle remixes