day 51

After about 51 days I realized I’m not like other people.

After a long walk, after I had time to get out of my immediate surroundings and think; I stood outside on a train platform even though it was freezing.  I leaned my back against the wall and rested my eyes, closed them, and realized I was crying.

I’m not like other people, I’m not.  I forced myself to open my eyes as I noted that my mascara isn’t waterproof and dabbed them carefully.

 

It is really, truly cold outside but I don’t care.  It actually takes the edge off a little bit.

People pass by, look at me and quickly look away.  I don’t care.  I’m crying because of the cold, obviously.  Or because I’m pregnant, or not pregnant, or was pregnant…  At least that’s what I used to think when I saw an extraordinarily sad girl.  I guess that has something to do with it, anyone thinking that would be somewhere in the ballpark of correct, I suppose.

But again, it doesn’t matter.  I’m not like them.  I tell myself it’s comforting.

 

Later, I’m walking through the crowds, taller than most.  Numb.

I can see it now; I’ll move soon.  I’ll take a new job in a new city and I’ll never breathe a word of what happened to me to anyone who doesn’t have their head between my legs.  Most likely, I won’t breathe a word of this to anyone.  And I’ll be just like them.

 

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I pour fresh coffee into an oversized black mug.  It’s filling and then it’s spilling all over the counter, neatly covering the surface with vanilla-scented liquid, making two straight lines onto the hardwood floor, into shadows of dusk.

I think I’m really out of it, and I am.  I feel queasy, often.  I have acne.

 

This actually seems to be working.  I can’t imagine myself having any stupid gender arguments ever again.  There are many things happening simultaneously, not least of which is a violent increase in my body fat percentage, although I didn’t gain any weight.  It’s also infinitely easier to maintain the resonance and timbre of my voice.

 

And I decided that I’m not really alone in this, I’m just needy.  Note to self; be less needy.