I wish I had some time to myself. After fast-tracking my transition, I just want a week to look in the mirror or visit my family. I need to get a clear idea of who I am, because my appearance changes every week. Important stuff like facial features, torso measurements, my outlook on life, different. Every week. I just blink into space.
What the hell happened?
People talk to me all the time. It’s unexpected, I want to think it’s weird. But judging from their body language, it’s normal.
I don’t need to hide who I am anymore out of fear of them finding out whatever it used to be that would put them off, my nascent femininity. I say some of the most unfiltered and inane shit, and people listen, kind of. They seem to find it pleasant.
Meanwhile, I’m rebuilding my important relationships. Recasting them and making them whole. I didn’t realize I was doing this, and maybe it isn’t me. Maybe they’re ready to accept me for who I am.
Maybe they realize they don’t have a choice, the counterparties of my important relationships.
Maybe I just need help and it’s obvious.
Maybe I’m human and this is just what happens. I feel a loss of will as I realize the idea of my father accepting me as his eighth daughter, or the idea of speaking to Leia again. I realize that my friends are assholes, who love me, and there’s nothing I can do to change that, not now.
Not now, as I depend on these people to recognize me when I can barely recognize myself.
They know me. They always kind of knew me, and didn’t tell me. That’s love.