inevitability isn’t an emotion

I don’t know where to begin.

My closest confidants separately and independently declared that no one is going to question my womanhood and that I need to snap out of this nervous funk I seem to be experiencing.  Dana they say, the war is over, wake up…  I do my best to absorb this.

As I meditate on the idea that I am in fact a woman, legally, socially, professionally, physically, and so on, I am engulfed by indescribable confusion.  While I am comfortable with myself in ways I had never known, I am in shock.

 

I have a good idea of how to conduct myself, what I’m doing and where my life is headed, but that’s all.

I know who I am.  I know what happened to me, but I don’t know why it did in a very basic sense.

 

I go out and I’m generally happy.  I look in the mirror and I am relieved, then disbelieving.

My body takes up less space.  I seem to breathe less air.  My eyes are expressive and it haunts me.  I appear to feel more than I can actually acknowledge, more than I will let myself feel.  It’s unapproachable.

But I’m told this is real, that being a woman comes with an inner life that’s different and which I might find difficult to accept.

 

I’m only beginning to sense what I’ve gotten myself into, but it’s not like I had a choice.  I feel like my transition was inevitable, that it would have happened somehow.  This is how it feels on the other side of the gender binary; there was no why, my gender was inevitable.

 

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