inevitability isn’t an emotion

I don’t know where to begin.

My closest confidants separately and independently declared that no one is going to question my womanhood and that I need to snap out of this nervous funk I seem to be experiencing.  Dana they say, the war is over, wake up…  I do my best to absorb this.

As I meditate on the idea that I am in fact a woman, legally, socially, professionally, physically, and so on, I am engulfed by indescribable confusion.  While I am comfortable with myself in ways I had never known, I am in shock.

 

I have a good idea of how to conduct myself, what I’m doing and where my life is headed, but that’s all.

I know who I am.  I know what happened to me, but I don’t know why it did in a very basic sense.

 

I go out and I’m generally happy.  I look in the mirror and I am relieved, then disbelieving.

My body takes up less space.  I seem to breathe less air.  My eyes are expressive and it haunts me.  I appear to feel more than I can actually acknowledge, more than I will let myself feel.  It’s unapproachable.

But I’m told this is real, that being a woman comes with an inner life that’s different and which I might find difficult to accept.

 

I’m only beginning to sense what I’ve gotten myself into, but it’s not like I had a choice.  I feel like my transition was inevitable, that it would have happened somehow.  This is how it feels on the other side of the gender binary; there was no why, my gender was inevitable.

 

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electioneering

Cross your legs, don’t cross your arms, small bites.  Stand tall, smile – not too much.  Do these things without thinking.

Avoid handling money, greet differently, say goodbye carefully – don’t ever dismiss.

Try not to laugh, try not to sneeze.

 

radiohead – electioneering – ok computer

the white stripes – bone broke – icky thump

the flaming lips – ego tripping at the gates of hell – yoshimi battles the pink robots

yuna – lights and camera – nocturnal

milan & phoenix – istanbul (not constantinople) – istanbul (not constantinople) remixes EP

thom yorke – atoms for peace (four tet remix) – the eraser rmxs

 

square zero

I’ve taken to blending out.  It’s like blending in, but in addition to looking normal you try your damnedest to go unnoticed.  It’s like passing, it’s related to passing.  I hate that term ‘passing’ like ‘pass for a woman.’  I don’t even care anymore, just as long as no one sees me, which is ironic.

 

It’s anticlimactic, ‘passing.’  It’s getting back to square zero, where everyone starts, “Oh look it’s a baby boy.”  The birthright, your gender.  I get a gender.

I wonder how I could have explained this to myself a year ago, if I could go back in time; that I go by a female name with a mostly female body, that I don’t live in the same place or have the same job.  That, all told, it cost about $20,000 (not including doctors’ visits and most prescription costs).  That our only real ambition now is to get through the day without feeling like crawling under a rock, to go unnoticed.  To live quietly, our painless lives.

 

Relatively painless.  I don’t know what I would have done or said if I had heard this a year ago.  I think I would have felt joy.  I think I could have lost consciousness.  I think I might have hugged me, I don’t know.  Why do I think about these things?