honestly,

I’m at a loss.  What I’ve experienced was so harrowing, so stressful and painful and seemingly impossible.  And now it’s quiet, I’m passing.  I’m this tense, awkward, doofy-looking woman whose clothing is ill-fitting and spectacularly out of season…  but I’m not perceived as transgender.  I look like what I’ve been through.

No one expects much of me, except that I make eye contact with them.  It’s an interesting expectation, like I need to be scrutable at all times, present, and at whosoever’s disposal.  It’s subtle, subtle, subtle, and it took me weeks to notice, but it’s like I’m under this warm spotlight.

 

I don’t know what I was thinking, this being a woman and all.  It’s just something I had to do, and now it happened.  Now I have to deal with it.  But it’s wonderful and beautiful, and so, so real.  The world is just so real, and almost mine.  I can’t understand it.

 

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2 thoughts on “honestly,

  1. It truly is something strangely humbling and overwhelming once the world really starts to feel brighter. I’m proud of you, Dana. It’s so nice to know the feelings I’ve had when walking the streets, and interacting with people is something that I am not alone in experiencing. You may feel awkward and doofy, but once you get those thoughts out of your head, you’ll realize you were the only one who cared to think so : )

  2. I hope so! It’s the sort of thing where I really don’t know where other people are at with my transition, like who knows what about my history and their opinions. I’m hoping to be in a place someday where I feel confident just asking what other people think of me, or maybe it won’t matter.

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