stream of unconsciousness

I feel, seemingly for the first time, like my nature and the world are not working against me.  I feel like I’m riding a wave that is mine.  In the distance is a simple future.  I don’t know why.  What could possibly be simple about any of this?  Looking back at my life as it was, relative simplicity wouldn’t be that difficult to achieve.

I feel like my life is very fragile and short.  Almost as if the pain I’d experienced in the past made time pass slowly and now there’s nothing to hold it back.  At this rate, I’ll be dead before I know it.

 

I’m handed a new ID that I’m startled is my own.  My friends tell me I look nothing like I did two months ago.

I have trouble expressing myself, trailing off in speech with ‘I don’t knows’ and ‘it’s complicated.’

My life as it is, where it’s going, doesn’t follow any path or template that I’ve known or heard about.  I have surprisingly little opinion about this.  It is what it is.  People seem to understand that.

 

What is this?  I feel my consciousness absorbed into others’ – “what do you think?”  “What do they think?”  “It’s up to you.”  And I’m reassured, which is good because I worry about what people say.  Things people say can stick with me for months, stick to objects that I interact with.  I used to get hung up about things I did.

I pass restaurants on the street, with men at their tables talking about whatever.  The constant chatter of men and their activities, projects, and ideas is supplanted by a social network of women that seems to keep tabs on everyone at all times.

 

When I’m alone, it still feels like I’m waiting for something.  I don’t know what.

 

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