before the fall

I’m not sure what to write, because all of this is so damn bizarre.  Life is completely different than I thought it was.


There are stealth people everywhere, which is profoundly annoying.  I don’t know where to begin to describe this purely body language and eye contact interaction between trans people.

Stealthy:  I feel so sorry for you.  There’s so much I want to say, but I’m stealth and can’t risk getting within three meters of you.

Me:  Why is that person staring at me like they know me?  Why aren’t they looking away now?  Oh, you’re stealth.  Fuck you man.


It’s weird.  The only thing that isn’t weird right now is the morning, before anyone wakes up and it’s just me and my routine: stretch, coffee, shower, coffee, cereal/oatmeal, makeup, walk.

My mom is acting like I’m the daughter she always wanted.  My dad is acting like I’m dead but we’re still talking and he’s supportive somehow.  Life with friends is like nothing happened, which is nice, and weird in and of itself.

Everyone’s relieved that I changed my gender presentation, ironically.  But they still call me ‘he’, which is bizarre.


And I want to forget my life before the fall.  All of the memories of someone I used to know – someone who used to be me, somehow.

I’d heard of transitioning being like death, like dying.  If only it were that simple.



6 thoughts on “before the fall

  1. I haven’t experienced noticing or running into someone who is stealth. Though, in a lot of ways, I, myself, am stealth whenever I leave the house. It’s a very strange paradox because I expect people to notice as I never consciously think of that, but most tell me after the fact that they had no idea I am trans.

    I personally don’t feel there’s harm in interacting with someone who isn’t, but what really matters is that you are personally growing & finding your own footing beyond your life prior. Tracking those feelings & how far you’ve come will make the matter of “stealth” irrelevant, in that you’re being you.

    And who knows? Maybe they’re actually cis and just are staring. That’s always what I think to myself haha~

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