losing track

There’s all of the stuff I’ve read about – I tear up when I miss the bus now.

‘Stop doing that.’

But something is very different about me.  It’s as if a glacier in my mind has finally found its resting place.  Things that would upset me, and seriously dog me for years – stupid stuff – I don’t really think about anymore.  And I’m not sure what I should be doing with my time.

 

I have a routine; work 45 hours a week, consume 2300 calories a day, sleep 9 hours a night.  Repeat.  It keeps everything moving, the result of obsessive worrying and planning, trial and error.  I kind of go along with it, but I’ve lost track of everything else.  I don’t know what’s changing and how or when anymore.  It’s a lot, and I care.  But I don’t really know.

I think it’s out of my hands now.

 

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what it’s like

I was getting ready this morning and there was an eyelash hanging from my eye.  I picked it up and held it for a moment.  What do I wish for?  Nothing came to mind, so I dropped it.  I must be happy, or at least satisfied.

 

I woke up this morning and noticed my skinny legs and the hair receding from my hands.  I noticed my vaguely unfamiliar face, I instinctively checked my earrings as soon as I woke.  The left one was bleeding a little the other night.  They’re new and they’re stuck.  I tried to unscrew the left one with a set of pliers.  No luck.  No backsliding.

I woke up and noticed that I’m different and I wondered why.  A thought bubble with just a “?”  No words, but why are my legs so hairy – It makes no sense.  I feel blessed and forgotten at the same time, “here take this.”

 

I need to pick a surgery soon, to find a regenerative medicine option, to figure out my life.  I wish my life came without assembly.  It’s like getting an oldschool dollhouse-in-a-box for christmas, what I always wanted, but if I got it I would have been disappointed with my familiarity with glue.

 

but why

Summer is nice because the neighbors are gone and I can pogo dance in my apartment.  I can’t remember the last time I was this light, or my neck this flexible.

And food has *never* tasted this good – it’s a struggle to eat nutella poundcake silently in a tomb-quiet library.

 

This is hands-down the best decision I’ve ever made.  I can say that right now.

 

But why?  Why did I do all of this?  Because I wanted a solution.  I looked at this from every angle, and I couldn’t just watch my life pour away, fall away, out of my head like strands of hair.

I figured I had a shot at transitioning and I took it.  Once I believed I could pass, it was just a matter of time.  The new bioidentical hormones looked safer, trans-psychology less biased, fashion less whack.  I’m still taking a risk on my science career, but I’ll just have to deal with that as it comes – or not.  I just believe that I’m going to be a better person, happier (more productive), and I wasn’t going to sell myself out on this.