There’s all of the stuff I’ve read about – I tear up when I miss the bus now.
‘Stop doing that.’
But something is very different about me. It’s as if a glacier in my mind has finally found its resting place. Things that would upset me, and seriously dog me for years – stupid stuff – I don’t really think about anymore. And I’m not sure what I should be doing with my time.
I have a routine; work 45 hours a week, consume 2300 calories a day, sleep 9 hours a night. Repeat. It keeps everything moving, the result of obsessive worrying and planning, trial and error. I kind of go along with it, but I’ve lost track of everything else. I don’t know what’s changing and how or when anymore. It’s a lot, and I care. But I don’t really know.
I think it’s out of my hands now.
I was getting ready this morning and there was an eyelash hanging from my eye. I picked it up and held it for a moment. What do I wish for? Nothing came to mind, so I dropped it. I must be happy, or at least satisfied.
I woke up this morning and noticed my skinny legs and the hair receding from my hands. I noticed my vaguely unfamiliar face, I instinctively checked my earrings as soon as I woke. The left one was bleeding a little the other night. They’re new and they’re stuck. I tried to unscrew the left one with a set of pliers. No luck. No backsliding.
I woke up and noticed that I’m different and I wondered why. A thought bubble with just a “?” No words, but why are my legs so hairy – It makes no sense. I feel blessed and forgotten at the same time, “here take this.”
I need to pick a surgery soon, to find a regenerative medicine option, to figure out my life. I wish my life came without assembly. It’s like getting an oldschool dollhouse-in-a-box for christmas, what I always wanted, but if I got it I would have been disappointed with my familiarity with glue.
Summer is nice because the neighbors are gone and I can pogo dance in my apartment. I can’t remember the last time I was this light, or my neck this flexible.
And food has *never* tasted this good – it’s a struggle to eat nutella poundcake silently in a tomb-quiet library.
This is hands-down the best decision I’ve ever made. I can say that right now.
But why? Why did I do all of this? Because I wanted a solution. I looked at this from every angle, and I couldn’t just watch my life pour away, fall away, out of my head like strands of hair.
I figured I had a shot at transitioning and I took it. Once I believed I could pass, it was just a matter of time. The new bioidentical hormones looked safer, trans-psychology less biased, fashion less whack. I’m still taking a risk on my science career, but I’ll just have to deal with that as it comes – or not. I just believe that I’m going to be a better person, happier (more productive), and I wasn’t going to sell myself out on this.