wish

Before I became aware of the first thing about myself, I swam.  I swam a couple of miles a week, one mile at a time.  I swam like the devil was chasing me.

He was.  I didn’t know it at the time.  It was 2012, it was winter, and I imagined myself to be a woman.  I put this out of my mind and kept swimming.

Spending so long in water, your muscles adapt, and movement through and across the water becomes easier; then very easy.  The heat you would normally accumulate burning 700 calories per hour goes unnoticed.

Your body develops its own intelligence, its own purpose.  Presumably, not to drown.  But it goes deeper than that…

 

I don’t swim anymore.  I wish I did.

I can’t stand it, because soon I won’t be able to for a long time.

 

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not easy

Transition has a way of sneaking up on you, always.

 

I’m sitting balled up with my feet on the edge of a vanity.

Is this what I really want?

It turns out that electrolysis is permanent – I hadn’t truly considered that.  I always thought that the hormones would be sort of the epicenter of my transition, the point when I’d have to decide.  But, let’s face it, that moment has come and gone.  Still waiting on those hormones though.  I hear it’s the awesomeness.

 

This isn’t easy, never was.  Hope it will be someday, but it’s not easy right now.  It’s not easy to be between genders, somewhere between somewhere.  To be peerless and alone, seemingly forever.  To have people look at you funny.  I really hate that.

To think what I’m putting myself through – and with such enthusiasm – this has to be the right decision, right?  I’m not sure if there’s any way to tell.

 

Technically, I’d put the odds of me being wrong at 1 in 32, a virtual certainty that I am, in fact, a woman.  But there’s still a 3% chance that there’s something I just haven’t considered and I’m completely wrecking my life, for what it was worth.

 

I do want this, though.  I do.

 

untitled playlist ii

So all of this transition-related stuff is either completed or underway – up to actually getting a script from the endocrinologist, who is apparently very, very, very busy.  I’ve never wanted to bribe someone so bad in my life.

 

Me:  Do you think there’d be any availability for Alexander Hamilton?

Receptionist:  …

Me:  Hrm, (I’ll just deposit this then…) I still have an appointment right?

 

Phantogram – When I’m Small  (Eyelid Movies)

The White Stripes – I’m Bound to Pack It Up  (De Stijl)

Radiohead – A Punch Up At a Wedding  (Hail to the Thief)

José González – How Low  (In Our Nature)

Doves – The Man Who Told Everything  (Lost Souls)

Amy Winehouse – Back to Black  (Back to Black)

Cold War Kids – Relief  (Loyalty to Loyalty)

Radiohead – Jigsaw Falling Into Place  (In Rainbows)

 

the magical megaproject

“When you start your treatment, it might feel a little bit weird.”

“Really??”

“Yeah, well it stands to reason…”

 

I don’t even know where to start right now.  I don’t exactly know what to tell you.  That’s probably because it’s not that complicated…

I decided to start my physical transition.  I scheduled the necessary appointments.  Didn’t tell anyone.

Made my appointments, met delays, freaked out.  Waited.

 

Still waiting…  Feel like I’m going to black out, or throw up.  Apparently, as one gets closer to physical transition, gender dysphoria increases dramatically.  No idea why, but it’s horrible.

 

But I’m so happy and excited to transition, I wish it would happen already.  Then I gave myself an asthma attack reading up on progesterone cycles.

My hormones are just going to go around and around like that?

 

Now I’m working most of the time.  I’m going to be working like this until at least 2016, because I need cash.  Like, yesterday.

I guess that’s it.

 

…oh, and I don’t have a plan.