one more cup of coffee

TW

The hustle for work continues, which is discouraging but necessary.  I’m having relationship issues, as all anyone wants to do is date.  Decided that’s fine with me, it’s better than dying of boredom.

My therapist continues to be a sweetheart as I slowly find myself focusing on getting and being well – less future oriented, more ‘that diner looks like a good place to write, and did that client get back to me yet?’ -oriented.  I’m settling out of my memories of career trauma, childhood trauma, and rape trauma.

I try very hard to feel safe in my surroundings, with the people in them.  They’re mostly good.

 

It’s a little easier to connect with people which seems like a paradox because I’ve been so preoccupied.  It turns out that preoccupation is the essence of cool.  Disinterest is interesting, at least on a superficial level.  I wonder if I’ve grown out of my usual intensity or if this is just a phase.

 

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the race

deadmau5 – cat thruster – w:/2016album/

deadmau5 – no problem – w:/2016album/

halsey – castle – badlands

lana del rey – west coast – ultraviolence

the beatles – sgt. pepper’s lonely hearts club band – sgt. pepper’s lonely hearts club band

the beatles – with a little help from my friends – sgt. pepper’s lonely hearts club band

steven wilson – perfect life (grand union mix) – hand. cannot. erase.

 

negative space

Dear Sis,

Do you ever feel like, too qualified and too female?  Because I get that feeling a lot.  Not to complain, I have a perfectly comfortable existence.  But I’m definitely not living up to my potential.  I can’t remember the last time anybody even asked me about my potential – this coming from someone who wanted to be a chef and cook food for people but was scathingly discouraged because I wouldn’t be living up to my potential.  Who’s laughing now?  No one.  Okay, maybe I just laughed a little.

So I’m basically freelancing in NYC, which is interesting.  And totally analogous to funding and executing a science research pipeline, without the science.  It’s slow-going because there’s a lot of setup involved, including getting an ergonomic keyboard.  I’m going to be splitting my time between that and the usual graduate school wrap-up activities.

There’s not very much else going on.  I need to go book-diving at Strand, which I’m looking forward to.

Love,

Dana

 

the optimism

Dear Sis,

I’m happy to have a moment to write you.  Life has picked up since Christmas, as I focus more on the things that make me happy and experience a burst of ‘being more comfortable with myself’.  I’ve gotten involved in community work and am making a point to see movies.

I saw the Star Wars movie, which had a disappointing lack of lightsaber fights, but a familiar storyline.  Now I’m looking forward to seeing The Post when I have a free evening.

School is picking up as well and I’m writing an outline of my last chapter.  It’s amazing how much of technical writing needs to be learned firsthand, and is not transferrable from storytelling or creative writing.  It’s also a section I’m more into, so that makes it better as well.

I got a haircut!  Thank you for your recommendation :)  I feel a lot more confident now.  I also finally received my passport after the State Department wanted two (?!) original copies of my doctor’s letter.

Have fun in your travels and drive safely.

Love,

Dana

 

continuity

Dear Sis,

Christmas is over and I’m settling into my usual schedule and reconnecting with people.  Thank you for the beautiful gift, I will keep it with me always.  I dropped off my Mom at the airport this afternoon, she had a good visit and generally toured the new life I’d told her about.  We ended up watching Molly’s Game in the theater on Christmas day, which I found refreshing.

Everyone says that my life will change for the better very soon, and I can only hope that you will agree.  It’s difficult to know these things and have no sense of continuity, at least it can be.

It’s freezing outside and my mind feels blank.  It’s difficult to find my bearings after this disorienting holiday.  Though I’m happy now that I don’t have a tree to dispose of, and there is a large amount of food in the fridge, which is nothing to complain about.

I hope this finds you well.  Happiest holidays.

Love,

Dana

 

letters to my sister

Dear Sis,

I am writing to wish you a merry Christmas and to thank you for your support in my move and in finishing school (hopefully soon).  NYC has been good to me and I am beginning to assimilate into the culture here, which surprisingly consists of paying attention to where I’m going, getting up for my subway stop well before the train arrives, and wearing a black coat.  I guess I’ve always been more of an urbanite, so not too much had to change :)

I am ecstatic that you’ve moved on from your abusive relationship and am happy that my experience with such was good for something.  We must always be careful since we are not like other people.  We can put up with a lot, too much I think.

I had been at a loss for what to write here for a long time.  Transition is something I’ve conditioned myself to not talk about, even here.  I only mention it in passing and in confidence, if at all.  So thank you for letting me post here.  I think it’s kind of a natural thing, shifting from the vertigo of gender change to the day-to-day struggles of life.  And maybe I can answer, to my satisfaction, the question I had been searching for – what happens to all of those transition blogs after they go black?  If you’re lucky it seems like there’s nothing to write home about after a certain point.

But I digress.  My mom is coming over for Christmas, so roommate and I are getting ready, saran wrapping windows and buying small housewares.  I’m excited to see her and show her around, it’s been a couple of years since we’ve seen each other though it doesn’t seem that long to me.  Roommate is also on vacation this week and in my hair, though in a good way.  It snowed the other day and I realize I don’t have appropriate snow boots for my outfits, oh well.  I’ll have to drop a line to the Christmas fairy ;)

Love,

Dana

 

shades of cool

flunk – change my ways – personal stereo

weezer – say it ain’t so – blue album

lily allen – the fear (acoustic) – it’s not me, it’s you

radiohead – videotape – in rainbows

lana del rey – shades of cool – ultraviolence

 

untitled iv

the vandals – f’ed up girl – hitler bad, vandals good

metric – gold guns girls – fantasies

nirvana – lithium – nevermind

radiohead – treefingers – kid a

eels – novocaine for the soul – beautiful freak

radiohead – i will (los angeles version) – hail to the thief

beck – elevator music – the information

ac/dc – let there be rock – let there be rock

 

a quick note

Getting over yesterday, back in the old town.  Spires upon spires in an abandoned cityscape.  Like a bad dream, driven home in a hybrid Honda Fit.

Insurance claims and cyberstalkers, rocking out in the real world.  Nothing like a university at all.

I tell my mom that I give zero fucks, because I’m a millennial and that’s what we do.  Please don’t send me a passive aggressive gift this Easter, send me something I’d like to have, like Cryptonomicon.

A breakthrough with us.  Maybe there is hope in life.

 

A beautiful woman, finally.  Like an out of body experience.  The most beautiful person some stranger has ever seen.  What am I supposed to think?

When a man I don’t know tells me they love me?  Call BS loudly, and often.

I submit my dissertation soon, I’ll get a job I swear.  Learning to be happy, speaking to a kindred spirit.  About how there’s no plan.

 

mazel tov

I write because I write.  Seemingly, there is not much left to say – not much that I can gracefully share.  Still a woman, which is about the triteest thing I can think of saying.  But that’s what it boils down to.  That and a belief that whatever gender you are, that’s the gender you’re gonna be, when you’re ready, or die trying.  No one is going to like it, but you’ll meet new people who like you the way you’ve become.  They may even take you behind the brunch joint and all intervene on you like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia about how you have no self esteem and need to cut that shit out.  I was touched, really.

When I got home, I reprised a mental exercise, think a happy thought.  I can always think of something.  Tonight it just doesn’t matter; nothing does.  And that makes me very, very happy.